How To Be A Good House Guest

Things the host won’t tell you… (and some hostess gift ideas).

Dec 05, 2024

When we bought our farmhouse Upstate, we bought it with the intention of it being a hosting house. Yes, we (I) love to host, but as experienced expats living in rented, soulless and often ‘can’t be bothered’ accommodation, being hosted at someone’s house is a very special (and usually needed, if not nostalgic,) reminder of true home comforts. Having been that expat, with the purchase of our first home, we definitely wanted to pay it forward to all those that had hosted us in a time of homesickness.

Our hosting weekends vary in any given month - sometimes it’s back to back, other times of the year, we’ll go a few weeks without any guests. Regardless, we’ve had our fair share of house guests over the last three years - both foreign and domestic, both short and long - and I feel I’ve somewhat identified the good from the bad when it comes to home intruders.

This past weekend, we had a fleeting visit from some of the best house guests we’ve ever had - and indeed the subject came up for discussion, so I thought I’d share some of our findings (and more of my own) here…

1.) Let the host dictate the timeframe they’re happy for you to stay. So, you might be visiting New York for a week. Instead of “we’re in New York for a week, please can we come and stay?”, try “we’re in New York over these dates, what dates would suit you?”. Give them a get out. Be prepared to stay in a hotel for other dates.

2.) If you’ve agreed to stay with someone for the entirety of your stay, PLEASE send them your proposed flight or travel itinerary BEFORE you book. We’re not talking dates; we’re talking the logistics and timing. Will the host need to be at work when your flight gets in? In our case Upstate, if you’re taking the morning flight out of New York, it’s going to require you heading back to the city the night before - are you expecting us to chaperone? FYI, we don’t want to.

3.) ‘I’m easy’, is NOT being easy. Being specific is actually far more helpful than no suggestion at all. We all want to seem laissez-faire and chilled but the reality is, for the host, knowing when, where and what is far more helpful than having to mind-read.

4.) Do your own research. Don’t leave it up to the host. The host knows every restaurant in town. They’ve hiked every route. They’ve scoured every shop. And it’s likely, they’ve done it all several times over. Have an opinion. Tell them what you want to do. Tell them what restaurants you want to go to (better yet, book the restaurant!). Trying to plan itineraries or keeping people entertained is a new level of energy altogether. Trust me, as a host, someone with strong views about what they want to do and where they want to go is a blessing!

5.) Be prepared to do things on your own - and be brave about it. You’ll forgive me if I don’t want to walk the High / Main Street for the seventh weekend in a row, but please don’t let me stop you from doing it. Or, if I have to work one day, make a plan and get out of the house so I can do so. Take the car; don’t show you’re afraid of driving on the other side of the road. Just carpe diem and go and explore. It’s your holiday, not mine.

6.) Get involved. Our plans can’t always stop for you. If you’re coming to stay and we’ve made a plan: 1.) it’s probably for you and 2.) make yourself part of it. If we’ve decided to host a dinner party whilst you’re with us, don’t excuse yourself after main course.

7.) Give the host alone time. If you’re staying for an extended period of time, consider making a point to give the host an hour or so to recalibrate. Take a day trip somewhere, go and grab a coffee for a few hours, wander alone, take the dog for a walk. We all need some time to ourselves, especially when someone else is living in our space.

8.) Keep up with customs. Tipping in America is minimum 20%. You might not like it, but it’s the way it is. If we’re taking you to our favorite restaurants or introducing you to our local coffee shop, don’t embarrass us. Pay up and shut up. After all, we love these places for a reason - and a lot of the time, we’ve called in a favor to get the reservation in the first place. This is New York, after all.

9.) Be helpful. Help prep dinner. Load the dishwasher. Assist setting up for the party. Nip out to get groceries. Fetch the firewood. Strip the bed. After all, it’s all for you in the first place. I’m sure your host will insist you put your feet up and relax, but the offer (and particularly the insistence) to help is ALWAYS appreciated.

10.) And yes, we always appreciate a gift. And yes, it sort of does matter what it is. Your time spent should reflect your thanks. Personally, a spoiling bottle, some pantry items, a bunch of flowers, a luxury candle or some treats for Boots (the dog!) are always firm favorites for a weekend. If you’re staying beyond that, a lunch or a dinner is a much appreciated gesture. Stocking the fridge (if you’re anything like me it will have caviar in it when guests are a bound), ensuring bar supplies are plentiful, topping up gas / petrol, cleaning pre and post stay - they rack up. And more often than not, we’re eating out to show you a good time, so a meal alleviated is a generous gift.

And if you’re hosting, here’s some tips I enjoy doing for my guests:

1.) Preparing the bedroom. For my guests, I leave a carafe of water on each bedside table, I arrange some seasonal flowers for the room and I leave the weekend newspaper in the bedroom. In winter, I will include a hot water bottle under the duvet.

2.) A light bite. For afternoon arriving guests, I like to have a canapé ready, so once they’ve arrived, put down their bags and settled in, we can all sit around with a drink and a little bite to eat.

3.) Preparation is key. If time allows, I like to lay the breakfast table the evening prior after everyone has gone to bed so that if and when a guest comes down in the morning, they can make themselves at home and help themselves to breakfast - especially if jetlag has them up early. Ideally, I am the first one awake in the morning to ensure all the edible items can be laid out and I can nip out to buy fresh croissants, but I also want people to lie in and feel relaxed.

4.) Amenities. Just like a hotel, the ‘extras’ make a difference. Do you have nice shampoo, conditioner and soap? You can do better than a CVS purchase. Your guests are on holiday, let them luxuriate in nice products. Is the heated towel rail in the bathroom on? Is there plenty of loo roll?

5.) An element of surprise. For each guest, I like to build in a meal or an experience that feels a bit special: a pre-dinner house cocktail shaken in Boots Bar enjoyed by the fire; dinner outside on the porch listening to the coyotes or the owls; post-dinner s’mores and nightcaps down by the fire-pit; paddleboarding and dinner down by the lake.

Hostess Gifts