My Second Marriage

By way of introduction, hi, I’m Emma. I’m 36 years old, I’m a dog-mom but by choice, not a mom, I split my time between my New York City apartment and my farmhouse Upstate, and I’m on my second marriage.

To be clear, marriage number two is to the same man as marriage number one. Here’s the catch… 

There’s a lot of things you hear about marriage: the first year of marriage is the hardest, the seven year itch, empty nest syndrome, divorce after 50.. the list goes on. Depending on which way you look at it, I’m either nine years into my first marriage or three years into my second marriage. You see, I fell under the spell of the seven year itch - well, actually six years to be more precise.

Let me give you some context (the short story). I met my husband, nicknamed ‘Mr Fuck It’ for his happy-go-lucky approach to life, whilst living in Hong Kong - friends, best friends at first, nothing more (at least nothing more for me). I decided to leave Hong Kong and return back to the UK (I’m British) - at which point, the universe finally decided to do its thing and I fell for him (him, not so much for me). There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, a lot of “what are we doing?”, but ultimately we embarked on a long distance relationship. He moved to Singapore, I went back and forth a month or two at a time, and it worked. We got engaged whilst still in a long distance relationship and we entered the first year of marriage…still in a long distance relationship. As I said in my wedding speech “there is no formula for the perfect marriage and we write the rules”. Remember that - it’s true.

First year of marriage - a breeze. Box ticked. As we closed out Year 1, together we moved to New York City. Years 2,3,4 - we were sailing through. 2020 - enter Covid-19 and Year 5 of marriage -almost exactly to the day.

None of us need to reflect on the effects of Covid-19, but to set the scene, we got stuck living with my parents in the UK for nearly a whole year. We finally returned back to New York in January 2021. We were changed, almost definitely as a result of the pandemic, but I can’t say for sure the ‘itch’ wouldn’t have hit us had the pandemic not infected us first.

We didn’t make it to seven years. The Sunday after Thanksgiving 2021, I called it. Alone, in secrecy and little to no contact, we decided to ‘take a break’. He moved full time Upstate, I stayed in the city. We needed time. We needed to reassess. In hindsight, I call this ‘the passage’.

What we discovered was the marriage wasn’t the issue. Us, together as a pair, wasn’t the problem. Individually, we were broken people. In this case two halves don’t make a whole; you need two whole people to make a marriage.

What does ‘the passage’ look like? The bridal speech advice rings true here - define your own rules (if you need to). We didn’t set any. We had a lot to re-find, to re-discover. Our no-dependents lifestyle certainly made it easier for us to establish distance and to live independently, but ultimately you need to feel the shockwaves. It needs to be extreme enough to give you a sense of a different, new reality, and to ascertain if it’s a reality you want, or don’t want. For me, I needed a little ‘you don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone’ - and I think the same was true for him.

We never underwent therapy together - only individually - but ultimately we realized that the problem was internal to us both, not the marriage. Slowly, separately, as new people, we began to re-emerge and re-connect. I think it was when we both finally admitted to each other that we now ‘hated’ our therapists - and therapy - we began to self-diagnose ourselves as whole once again. We emerged different people, different wholes, but Mr Fuck It was back.

I don’t recall exactly when marriage number 2 started - sadly, it’s not defined by a day wearing a big white dress again, but I think it was just before our seven-year itch anniversary (oh the irony!).

Marriage 2 isn’t better or worse than marriage number 1. It’s different. And, that’s why I call it a second marriage. It represents a shift in time, a shift in a person - or two. Basic incompatibility and money issues are among the top reasons for divorce. I get it. Becoming parents may unveil different standards, different approaches that only a having a child in the flesh could present; there’s only so much planning for the unknown you can do. Furthermore, a chance to reset or ‘time off’, is probably a fake reality when you’re trying to keep young people alive - as well as yourself. A change in economics is a change in lifestyle, a change in internal hierarchies; it shifts the marital paradigm (whatever it was when it started). Success, goals, money.. the reality is they all have the power to change someone.

My belief is we will have marriage 3, marriage 4, maybe even marriage 5 or 6. Each time, we will have changed as people. It’s the changing that moves you from marriage to marriage - the changing from one version of yourself to the next (which, by the way, I think is a very natural evolution), the shifting and re-establishing of the marriage structure each time.

But, if there’s learnings I’ll take as we transition into the next one and beyond, it’s this:

1.) Space and time isn’t bad. Actually, it’s a gift. Time doesn’t fly quite as quickly as you might think and sometimes you just need to let the universe do its thing. It will.

2.) By nature, I’m a bit of an oversharer (in case this article wasn’t evidence!). I believe in the power of manifesting, the power of supporting each other. BUT, when it comes to marriage, to babies, to all sorts - people tend to have lots of, often unhelpful, opinions. Write your own rules, yes, but don’t let someone else influence them. The Passage is a painful process, so talk to someone, but my recommendation would be, talk to a professional. It’s not fair for someone to judge you, and it’s definitely not fair for someone to judge your partner.

3.) Being able to identify your different marriages will actually help you enjoy the next one. Putting a marriage into a box, identifying when it ended and closing the lid shut will actually mean you fondly remember the best bits. The Passage period between marriages doesn’t live in any box.

4.) You can only embark on the next marriage when you’re both whole once again. Don’t rush it. Make sure all the chips, all the cracks are fixed first. Again, time!

5.) Celebrate your new marriage. Going from one to the next isn’t easy, so when you successfully come out the other side, enjoy it! Renew the love, renew your vows if you like. Mark marriage 2. Take photos, wear a white dress (after eight years, you might regret the first one!), make memories.